Hey Editor, how do we get this thing working? What, you just talk to the Goblins and they sort it out, what everything? If you’re lying to us..OI Goblin! Stop that!

Welcome to the first Inaugural Issue of Play Celt, the new monthly newsletter for the discerning Celt who likes his (or her) drinks stiff and his battles bloody! We aim to bring you the best stories from around the Heartlands. As it is our first issue though, we may experience a number of teething problems as our expert and highly trained staff learn to operate the antique machinery recently inherited from a kindly donor.

The Caledonian World Tour 1099

In early June 1099 four intrepid explorers, Sir Feargus MacBain, Angus MacBain, Sir F. McTwatum, and Teran McYokel set out on a world (?) tour of our beloved homeland, Caledonia. Presented here for your reading pleasure is an account of their journey.

We set off at a time otherwise unknown to us all, before opening time, because Teran was driving the cart and we knew that we needed plenty of time in case he got us lost. Our destination was the Tower of Alton, and we were forced to leave the cart on the Seventh plane of Hell and complete the journey on foot. Passing through the tower gates we observed a giant mouse, complete with minder moving through the gathered throng. Not wishing to stay anywhere without a bar we moved swiftly on and our journey began.

We started the trip by taking a ride on the Caledonian Expressway, a rickety old wagon train pulled by a strange mechanical device that must have housed a dragon in it’s bowels. It was mounted on metal runners and seemed very unstable. Our suspicions were proved correct when Angus embarked. His huge frame had barely squeezed into the carriage when the brakes snapped and we were hurled at great speed down the mountainside.

It was several minutes before the engineers were able to slow the thing to a halt at which point we were asked to get off before Angus caused further damage. The runaway had left us close to the northern coast so we decided to make a short sea voyage to Orkneyjar. Unfortunately, the only vessel available was the Trelawney’s Milly Pig, a ship notorious for its speed and for rough journeys. This indeed proved the case and while most of use remained below decks out of the spray, Teran spent most of his time on deck, getting soaked when he slipped on the poop deck.

The next stop on our list was the treacherous late Laird Buchanan residence, now inhabited by the Droo. As we were shown round the house, we came face to face with many fearsome beasts, unliving and giant spiders. Strangely it took us far longer to tour this place than anticipated and our trip was accompanied by disembodied cries apologising for the delay!!! It was almost like the place had become Haunted.

Leaving those lands disappointed at the lack of life and parties we journeyed onwards to Rockholme, Feargus wanted to see if Roo McPooh redecoration had survived. Unfortunately when we got there we were turned away by the guards claiming that their Nemisis taste in décor was now drawing crowds from all over the land.

Disappointed once again, but unbound we decided to try elsewhere in Caledonia and headed across the countryside towards McSnaga lands. As we did so we went for a wonder through the Great Forest. We met virtually no one on this leg of our trip; not even a single goblin. However had we let Teran lead the way we may never have gotten out, it took Sir F and Feargus to find the path. At one point Angus, blissfully unaware of the scout’s reputation was happily wondering off with Teran in entirely the wrong direction.

We left the Great Forest and found ourselves in the lands of the McSnaga. Primitive yet appealing we spent a great deal of time in the homelands of our new 2IC. We even took a trip on Mephistos political swings and roundabouts. Throughout the trip the four stalwart explorers developed a keen interest in Ornithology and here there were many rare delights to be found.

We are fortunate enough to be treated to the strange display by the locals, hailing from the Clan Ug, yet still related to the McSnagas, they entertained us with a table of woe and loss but with ultimate victory. Ug Girl, one of the players took a distinct liking to our studly adventures, even posing for Feargus in some most alluring manner. Little surprise then that we had great trouble getting him to leave. In the end Angus’ old brick in a sock trick worked wonders.

Our next stop was a visit to the Blodwyns house, though she wasn’t in. We were feeling peckish at this point and raided the kitchens, finding only a funny tasting mushroom pie, it was good though. We spent the next several minutes seeing dancing hippos and singing pink elephants. Sir F was wondering whether it was the mushrooms or just the Blodwyns house!

Once we recovered we dropped into the Queens hunting Lodge, a lovely little place but we couldn’t resist heading back to McSnaga land to watch the natives again.

After trying this time to drag Teran away from McSnaga Land the explorers visited one of the adopted members of the Clan McYokel in his tower, Lasha the Fire Mage. Unfortunately, Lasha was no where to be found at the top of the tower. So we took the door that said EXIT. To our shock it was the tradesman’s exit, a vertical drop straight down the side of the tower. After feeling the exhilaration of this fall we decided to wonder past McSnaga land once more before trotting off to Old McYokels farm. There we saw all the things that the McYokel’s sing about in that song, Rams, sheep, chickens (or perhaps that’s the Dragons) & even Betsy (well Teran thought it might be!).

After that it was back to cart for a- quick and straight path home.

Heart-throbs of the Clan MacBain

This collection of hot young celts is just a small taste of the delights that the Clan MacBain has to offer. From left to right we have Organ, more man than most men, his chest drives the girls wild. Dalzell in the middle exudes cool calm sexuality and is cute as a button to boot and finally Morgan, far right claims to have defeated an entire goblin army single handed with nought but a herring bone, and he’s got a large weapon too!! He was due to marry Nettle O’Soup, but his heart was broken when she vanished. All three of these hunks are young free and single (and desperate – Feargus). Go get ‘em girls!

Dear Uncle Yargon Feargus,

I have a slight problem when I sneeze.. I keep making holes in things! What can I do?

Unwell MacBain

Dear Morgan,

Try to avoid picking flowers for all those wenches you have, and visit the Alchemists. They’ll be able to sort you out (or at least keep you out of the way until you get better).

Dear Uncle Feargus,

Me armour is causing me problems... In the cold Caledonian weather its getting all rusted and I need a hand getting out of it. What can I do?

Armadillo MacBain

Dear Angus,

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times. Armour is for Poofs! Get rid of it and start wearing a kilt like a proper celt should.

Editor McYokel Missing! Sources claim he went on holiday to parts unknown.

Porn Knight Scandal! Sir F. McTwatum reveals plans to begin a career as a Porn Star. He is quoted as saying ‘Only if I can keep me helmet on!’

Play-Celt of the Month

Craggle Finhorn McGregor, June Play-Celt 1099

Craggy is a vivacious young (ish) celt whose chief hobbies include War, Drinking, Fighting, Shouting and Tarting. When asked how he would achieve world peace he commented 'Ah’d kill all the poofs, then no-one would mess wi’me!!’. He has a striking figure, with measurements of 42-34-38, and is very popular with the ladies. Unfortunately girls Craggy recently got wed, so you’re all outa luck there!

Exiles Exiled!

The Exiles claim that they turned up to the Heartland Games to have a good drink with the Bears and they could not find any. (Seems Teran got the Bears lost – Typical – Feargus!)

Visionary.

Since returning from business upon the Empire Isles I have recently spent time in the company of Yargon McYokel at Ynys Withrin on Orkneyjar where he is currently seeking guidance from the Crystal Monks. I am aware that of late some people have been questioning the whereabouts of Yargon and I now write this in the hope of answering at least some of the questions that have been raised.

As with many of the peoples of Caledonia Yargon has always had a close affinity with the ancestors. for as long as can be remembered and perhaps much longer although I will elude to that later. As such he has always had a better understanding than many of the ways of the world although this "foresight" does not come without a price.

Over the past couple of years, and particularly Since his appointment as Laird of the Highlands, Yargon has been increasingly 'Blessed' with visions and prophecies from the ancestors. The reason why one may be so blessed is unknown, although I personally believe that it may be related to the fact that the ancient bloods of both the Fey and people who first came to the lands from the West still run strongly in the veins of the people of Caledonia to this very day.

The Ancestors (all of them not just the goddess-queens) have bestowed upon Yargon the gifts of prophesy and visions, and this has taken it toll both physically and mentally upon him. He has gone to learn and pray with the Crystal Monks until such time as the people of Caledonia need his services once more.

The visions which have troubled Yargon so speak of war in the Lands of the Bear. The nature of prophecy is unclear but seems to speak of the rising of the Army of Balor once more and or war raging across the land some visions even seem to show Balor himself rising once more although he is believed to have been slain at The Battle of Callanish Fields in 499 AF.

Conor CuChulain, Laird Buchannan.

We found, erm.. were given some bits of paper by Editor. They looked important so we stuck ‘em back here just in case…

However, we issue this warning – They are very long and very boring. We don’t recommend you read them unless you want to know what is going on in the world.

Fellow Clansmen,

Since thae Queenie has granted me a peerage, and since Yargon has lost his marbles, I thought I should bring you all up to date on what's happening outside of Caledonia.

Thae Wolves are under a curse from thae White Hand. All their women who give birth on Wolf soil will have their babies die at birth. They had shipped all their pregnant women to Selbourne in southern Albion, but that has come under attack from thae Unseelie Fey of Katherine's Tomorrow Court.

Consequently, I offered sanctuary for thae lady Wolves in Caledonia. They will be landing at thae ports of Vik and Barothness on our eastern coast and will then be escorted to Exile strongholds. On hearing this, some of the Wolf ladies expressed their happiness as they like big men in black leather, and some even commented they may not return.

Back in Albion, Carrot McYokel and Bedo ap Madog McYokel have been aiding thae Harts in thae defence of Albion. Apparently a deal has been done with some friendly Fey to help thae Harts, requiring Queen Elspeth to spend time in Arcadia (the realm of the Fey) and requiring thae Harts to hold a festival in honour of the Fey once a year for a thousand years.

Thae Vipers have returned Daffyd McTaff at last, albeit minus one hand. It is a well- documented fact that missing a hand is often a sign of a pact with Golgamoth and may lead to chaotic physical attributes as per the Dark Incantors.

Thae Unicorns have asked if they can park their mobile island of Mauritania off our coast for thae duration of thae Gathering and discussions are taking place as to a suitable location.

Thae Gryphons appear to be growing in number. They have also upset thae Tarantulas by allegedly killing thae Tarantulas Head Ritualist.

Following thae deaths of Lord Lynsall (3IC) and Matron Mother Dallashandra (Joint 1IC), thae Tarantulas have a new power structure. Matron Mother Ilharess Saravay remains thae faction leader although circumstances may keep her elsewhere. The new 2IC is Matron Mother Talos. Thae new joint 3ICs are Matron Mothers M'hiringae and Teken Duis. Kalanar del ust Selin, thae former Tarantulas Ambassador to thae Bears has been made Ward of Lord Lynsall's lands and Head of the Paladins of Llolth. He is the temporary Laird of thae lands lent to thae Tarantulas by Connor Cu Chulain.

Thae Lions had a bigger chequebook than thae Exiles and won thae Heartland Games at the last minute. There appears to have also been some collusion between thae Lions team and other teams in letting thae Lions win rounds unopposed in order to score maximum points. It's all in thae rules (what rules?) though, but hardly thae honourable actions of thae Lions we have come to know. Remember they also used exploding people to take out important people on the other side in last year's battle.

Thae Dragons - I leave thae worst to last. They have an army building a road just south of our border with Cymrja. They swear it is not for military purposes, but you just can't trust thae Dragons. We are not alone in our concerns over the expansionist attitude of Arcane. At a meeting last year he made it his firm intention to be thae leader of a new 'united' Isles. He masses armies on our border and on thae border with Albion, when we are busy helping King Ash in the defence of Erin.

Arcane decided to fight the Vipers last year over allegations of greenskins being placed in their land. The at the end of the battle when victory was in his grasp, he offerred a draw - I still don't know why - Nothing had changed and I don't think it was starting to rain ! (The usual Dragon excuse for not fighting).

Two years ago thae Dragons (thae largest faction) had thae smallest fighting force on thae battlefield. They also had people fighting on thae other side. He claims they were just agents behind enemy lines (a dishonourable way to fight an honour battle) but if that's thae case, why did they fight us?

I have nothing against King Ash. He may be lecherous, but that's all part of being a Celt. Thae problem lies with Arcane. Why do thae Cymrjan Dragons put up with him? He was a failed Ritualist, so they made him leader. As long as Arcane is leader and until he gets on his knees in front of thae entire Bear faction and begs forgiveness of thae Morrigan, then we shall remain opposed.

On a lighter note, please try to bring drapes, awnings, banners, lengths of tartan etc to decorate thae command tent. Unlike other factions we have an open policy on our command tent and it is there for thae benefit of thae faction as a whole.

Laird Mephisto McSnaga of Dollar

Pitlochry, Caledonia, 1099

In addition to Mephisto’s ramblings we also found a long letter from a bloke who called himself Ulf the Woodcutter, it went on and on so we ‘edited’ it for content. There’s nothing missing! Honest!

It would seem that the Unicorns, and indeed anyone else who has any form of trade system is being shafted by some evil nasty horrible thing called Dark Trade. According to Ulf it ‘seeks to destroy the whole basis of trust on which fair trade depends’.

There are four Demons of Dark Trade, each more disgusting than drinking a pint of Sh**dy. The Demon of Taxation is a thievin’ git who nicks all your lovely magic weapons when you try to twat him (and so do his cronies!) and hides em in the Pits of Taxation! (OOOOhhh! Nasty! – ‘Ed’). The Demon of Gluttony devours the magical abilities of wizards, incantors and healers (Sounds like Morgan with food – Organ). The Demon of Fraud and Deception tricks people into dangerous contracts. Apparently he’s a master of disguise and treachery. Finally there is the Demon of Usury & Bankcruptcy who reckons to be the boss and tells the others what to do. Ulf also gives warning about the Pits of Taxation, saying they are a place of tricks and traps and you need wits more than strength. He warns you not to take anything you value in, or take anything out, and not to believe your eyes. We reckon that you get together a nice bunch’o mates, buy some cheap swords and kick some butt! Of course, we’re Bears so we’re bound to say that!

But Gentle reader, what if you have already signed you soul to the demons? Or maybe your best friend has been displaying the tendency to giggle maniacally and rub his hands together in anticipation of doing dodgy deals? (Sounds like the Exiles! – ‘Ed’) What can you do? Here’s Ulfs advice on how to spot Dark Traders –

When they heal, cast a spell, incantation or ritual they have the tendency to say ‘BY MY DARK TRADE POWERS’. They also like to get honest folks like you and me (well, you anyway), to sign deceptive contracts or to destroy your nice new magic item. Oh and they might use Dark Trade Items too.

Their contracts are oft written on special paper that cannot be destroyed or overwritten but equally the Dark Ones can somehow change them to their own ends once signed, or find loopholes to do you over.

Dark Traders, and those who come into close contact with them may find that their pattern becomes tainted and they become more susceptible to deeper involvement. If you aint volunteered for the deal though, find that nice Lord Sever-ed of the Unicorns and he’ll get rid of it for you. (Can he get rid of Feargus’ Crabs too? – Dalzell) However, if you voluntarily embrace the Dak Side then you become vilely corrupted and you can only be cured with much pain and difficulty if you’re lucky! At this point Ulf says that you start to spout Dak Dogma when you cast spells, like above.

Fortunately help is on hand in the form of the Unicorns. (Hurrah!) Unfortunately they are also the main targets of the Demons and in 1097 the Demon of Fraud and Deception tried to impose the Tax-Demon as the faction leader by being a sneaky git (Boo!) Looks like he didn’t succeed. (Hurrah!) Unfortunately the Unicorns Capital, Eldorado was captured by the Demons in a war they launched in Spring 1099. (Boo!) The war continues (Hurrah! A fight!).

Lord Sever-ed has formed a group called the Quaesitori who are pledged to destroying Dark Trade, he calls to all those who believe in fair trade, irrespective of faction and allegiance to join with him. If you are interested then contact the boss through the ritual circle at Grind in Mauritanya, at any Unicorn event, in the Unicorn camp or at the ley Seduraed@clara.net.

Revised and Re-written to make it less boring by the Clan MacBain.

Part 2

War leader marries man! It emerged that Craggle Finhorn MacGregor was wed to someone called Ian earlier this year. Is there something you aren’t telling us Craggy? Angus MacBain seen playing with brick in sock near last known location of Editor McYokel. Angus claims self-defence.

Heh, those stupid MacBains’ll never figure this out. Me clever gobbo, me find Editor and get him out. Me put this in to tell real story. Editor tell me what to write…

‘On being kidnapped by the Armadillo tank of the Clan MacBain I managed to overhear them talking of plans to take over the world. Scouts had been sent out and some dwellings had been found. Feargus (I think) started a story about a Great Battle in one of these dwellings, a Fortress (Dalzell claimed it was more of a hut). Here many celts were killed but the fort was taken.

Dalzell stated he too had found a fortress, but as soon as he planted the Clan banner, claiming it in the name of MacBain the fortress collapsed around him. He was quoted as saying ‘Oh Bugger’. Somewhere in the conversation Morgan, MacBain Mage was said to have joined the village people, as he keeps visiting so many villages (Must be for the Wenching – Watch Out Teran, Competition!!).

It seems that their plans for world domination were coming unstuck and they had to find another way to gain power… perhaps that’s why I was kidnapped!

Next thing I remember they were using me as a holder for an apple shooting contest! Someone in a hood fired an arrow and missed but Organ (Brother of Morgan), split it in half with one shot using a dagger. With that I fell unconcious (You mean fainted – Sinvelar). I finally awoke ta see me presses in action and copies being printed of the Bull…Fake of course… then I remember I dull pain on the top o’me head, then nothing.

Sinvelar the Goblin

With Contributions by:

OOC Pages !!!

P.S. If you prefer Play-Celt to the McYokel Bull please let us know and we’ll endeavour to send Editor on holiday again…

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