After transporting through the circle, we scouting the area where a report had come from about being attacked on Exile lands. We where approached by a lunatick who kept saying that everyone was "No One", some of the party ignored him while others got annoyed & tried to find out who he was.

Next thing we knew we where being attacked by villagers from different directions, unfortunately there was no way around apart from fighting and killing them. They had seemed to be possessed! In the battle, me body guard Nevian was injured and took 5 minutes for the rest of the party to decide to heal him, (they thought he was a villager! – Ed). Continuing on the journey, we came across some gobo’s playing a game of Bones, they panicked initially but calmed down and started to purchase our weapons. We wasted a lot of time here but finally one of the party decided to kill the gobo’s to the objections of the rest of the party. Some discussion about this was made about this while we continue into some bracken. However, we noticed some weapons in the trees around but thought they were just caught up there (not knowing they were traps). With young Finne O’Leary scouting ahead he tripped a trap that crushed his chest with two huge hammers. Luckily we managed to get around the trap and recover Finne.

This time Nevian decided to scout ahead playing for traps with his sword. Finally we reached a waterfall, where Captain Ahab tried to pass and unfortunately got hit in the back by a trap we did not see, leaving him between the party and the trap. Everytime anyone approached him the trap went off again causing the Captain more damage. I managed to find a way around after several attempts. However, as I was dragging the captain out I got caught by another trap in the back…..

The next thing I remember I had been healed & two people where using their shields to parry the traps, so the party could escape.

To cut a long story short when we finally reached the village in question it saw a light and had unexplained explosions happening around it. Moving carefully through the choking smoke the village was full of corpses….. Some unrecognisable because of burns & others with the weapon that killed ‘em still in ‘em.

One of the party approached a body with a sword embedded in it & it exploded unexpectedly nearly killing him. After checking other bodies the village was determined to be safe with no sight of the raiders

We moved just outside the village, just avoiding another trap, when a mercenary was spotted and ordered to stop (of course, he ran – Ed). We ran after him and took him down and bounded him. After questioning & searching him a scroll was found on his person. On reading the scroll it was decided to return to the camp bringing the person in front of the Queenies. Unfortunately he tried to escape while in the presence of the Queenies and was kill.

(Now the question is what was in the scroll – a name of course – Ed)

Name – Laird Soutek

Personnel details - Stunning good looks and very charming (Well that’s his impression - Ed)

Features – Blue Tartan, daggers in boots & a dirty shirt

Occupation – Ambassador to the Dragons

Favourite Colour – Colour - Blue of course

Favourite Things - Pain - other peoples, Alcohol - any!

Least Favourite Things - My Own pain, people deserting me - especially wives!

Would Most like to share a Desert Island with – Anyone of the cute females in me faction. All of them even better!

Would Least like to share a Desert Island with – All the non-cute females

Least Endearing Quality – None - ego does not allow me to have one.

Hobbies – Hurting people, blasting land to desert & perverting people’s soles

Preferred weapon – Short sword

Quote Most Likely to Say - You’ll pay for that later

Quote Least Likely to Say - I come in peace!

I would like to formally apologies for the misplaced information in the Clanswomen in Focus for last month.

My lady Morrigan, the wee scribe that replaced information in the Bull after I had approved it has been dealt with.

It has been discovered that he is a spy for another Faction and was caught trying to change this month’s issues information as well. Take my word that he has been dealt with and he will not be write anything for a while (maybe never!).

Unfortunately due to the above scribe it was not possible to bring you the shocking history of the Clan McThug…. Or is it McBonk…… hopefully next issue!

At the Moots & Gathering this year the spirit of the Blodwyn was causing a lot of problems. Shanagon McDroo, the previous host of the spirit of the Blodwyn had reportedly been leeking in some way. The spirit finally decided to move from Shannagan’s body to Breaca McYokels body at the last muster at the Gathering.

An Ode to Ash.

My little brother Ash is dead

Some nasty Fey did take his head.

The Fey was quick and Ash was slow

And into the Ritual circle he did go.

Now Ash was family, he was kin

He was an unseelie McYokel but they did for him.

He was a mage of quite some might

Well he was at least until that fight.

He spelled me up more than once

And claimed I was a meathead dunce.

But he’s not with us any more

So I can’t settle that little score.

He strutted and swaggered in tartan trews

But still sat down in the loos.

He was only four when he lost his life

So I’m glad I nicked his silver knife.

But now he’s gone and sadly missed

So in his memory lets get pissed

An Ode to Jester McYokel.

Jester he did make me laugh

With his joke about a Mages staff.

Sitting still but ducking low

To avoid the queens royal potato.

He did not flinch from cuss or blow

But into the ground now he’ll go.

They quizzed his courage, said he was unskilled

And they were right and he was killed.

But let us praise this jesters jests

Cause as a fool he was the best.

Dressed there fine in tartan grey

With something stupid left to say.

And with his stick that he had

And all the jokes oh so bad.

A champion to any others whim

A salute for jester, this rounds on him.

You too can join in with Gathering 1098's greatest hit!

Eeek-wa, Eeek-wa, (Translation: We fight you)

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! (Translation: But they're a bit dodgy!)

Well McYokel Bull,

I don’t know what to say. I suppose I should introduce myself. I am of the Dragons faction and I am no rank worth bothering about. I received a copy of your newsletter and found it very interesting and I must say that the song "Born to drink mild" was very enlightening. I received the copy from your Gate Guard er…. I mean welcoming committee. Who let me roam free into your camp not even asking my name. It is amazing what a female in hot pants can do. I am not familiar with the situation between the Bears and the Dragons at the moment but I do have some gossip that I heard on the Dragons Grape Vine. Apparently about 50% of the Bears faction turned on the Dragons on the battle field. Please tell me that this rumour is not true as I have my eye on one of the McTaffs and this would make things very difficult. (If you know what I mean!).

Also the Song "Bears who Once" was interesting especially the bit about "laying the proud Cymrjans low". I’m an Erin girl myself but I must know if everyone feels the same about the Crmrjans, are they really that bad? The reason that I ask is because my father is forcing me into an arranged marriage, to a Cymrjan and if they reaaly are as bad as you say then I may have to leave the Dragon lands for a while. Even though the Cymrjan man is of reasonable rank has a great wealth, I am still searching for the McTaff of my dreams. Perhaps you know the McTaff that I’m trying to find ? I am led to believe that he is Head Incantor of the Bears…. He is also Mr Action man 1098 and the first time I saw him he had two girls hanging off his arm fulfilling his every desire!

Perhaps if you do know who I am talking about (Yep – Ed), then you could put in the article "Clansmen in Focus" so then I can know everything about him without actually talking to him, not that I am obsessed with him or anything like that!

Anyway many congratulations on the newsletter it was very eye opening and it was a great read. Oh I forgot to mention that I need a husband, do you know anyone worth asking?

(That is if I can’t find my McTaff) Anyway I got to go because I need to go heard my cows.

Thanks for you time, Anon of the Dragons

Part (I’ve forgotten what number we are upto!! - Ed)

While most of you were supping on the fine ales in the bar at this years tavern, me and a varied group of drinkers went for a wee trip into Malar to drink at the Battlefield. A tavern built on what is thought to be the centre of the field on which a battle was fought. Great imagination these Orkneyjarens have.

Well it was a nice pub, the seating arranged either side of the room and the bar on the back wall giving plenty of space in the middle for a wee scrap. For some strange reason the two Orkneyjaren wolves who were with us couldn’t decide on which side of the room to sit so we ended up standing at the bar. The beers the had on sale were very fine and varied but my choice would be for the local Axe Head ale, which will quite literally split you in two, and you won’t know if you are coming or going, or fighting or shaking hands. Always proud of their entertainment the bar was well stocked with bards. However as the city was full of people from other factions the drinking games were changed from the usual ones to a few new varieties. Such as Get the Unicorn to buy a round, and find a Gryphon in the bar, this last one of course made very difficult by not knowing who the gryphons are.

Any way the drinking was in full swing when the Dragon who was with us accused the Vipers who were with us of cheating in the Gryphon game by having gone back to the camps and kidnapping their gate guard. This lead to a bit of an argument on the rules of the game (there are none, save the one with the gryphon wins), and then a bit of a fight broke out. What can I say, me and the few wolves and bears present thought sod it and fought everyone and we won. Oh on a final note of Orkneyjar hospitality, the very generous Orkney Wolves agreed to pick up the tab for the fight and all the trouble it caused.

So the Battlefield At Malar gets an impressive five out of five claymores. Though the tavern will be quieting down in the next month or two as the Inn keeper’s good wife is expecting child. After many years of trying it looks like he finally got it right back in the second month of this year. Well done that man.

Once upon a time, in a cold, cold land north of Orkneyjar there lived a young priest. Although it was not his real name everybody called him Goldilocks because of his lovely, long, golden hair.

Goldilocks loved to go in search of adventure and early one morning he went out into the deep, dark wood on his own – even though his uncle Durith had often warned him not to. He walked and walked and walked and walked until it was almost time for elevenses and Goldilocks was getting very hungry. Just when he thought that he was so hungry he would have to eat Bronwyn his hamster he spied a little campsite in the distance and the lovely smell of food.

Goldilocks crept carefully up to the edge of the clearing,

wary of vipers and lions and other wild things of the woods, but when he got close he saw that there was no one there. Near the fire he saw that there were three bowls and as he crept closer he saw each contained lovely porridge. Because he was a member of a guild Goldilocks thought that he was above things like personal property or theft and so he tried some of the porridge but the first was too sweet and the second too salty. Finally Goldilocks tried the third bowl and it was just right to he ate it all up.

Looking around the clearing Goldilocks saw some beers and he was thirsty so he went over and drank some. The first beer was too dark and the second beer was too light but the third was just right so he drank it all up. All this drinking made Goldilocks a bit tired so he decided to go for a nice nap. He went into the first tent and tried to sleep but it was a warriors bed and was too hard, he went into the second tent but it was a healers bed and was too soft and finally he went into the third tent and the bed there was just right so Goldilocks fell fast asleep.

Later that day three bears came into the camp because they lived there whilst they were on their holidays. Someone's been eating my porridge!" said Denzil bear, "Someone's been eating MY porridge!" said Betty bear, "Someone's been eating MY porridge too!" said little baby Ash "... and they've eaten it all up".

Then the three bears saw the empty bear cans. "DENZIL SMASH!" said Denzil bear, "Someone's been drinking my beer too dear" said Betty bear and little baby Ash said "Someone's been drinking my homebrew too and they've drunk it all up!". Betty bear thought she remembered that Ash's homebrew was poisonous to mortals but she said nothing.

Looking around for the evil man who'd stolen their beer they saw that all the tents were open. Denzil looked and said

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed!", Betty looked and agreed "Someone's been sleeping in MY bed too!" and when little Ash looked in he exclaimed "Someone's been sleeping in my bed too ... and they're still there!". Betty looked into Ash's tent and saw that it was Goldilocks so she told the others not to worry. Ash thought hard for a bit and then said "I hate incantor's ; they've got such an inflated idea of their own importance! Let's torture the f**ker!" ... so they did. It was fun!

.... and the moral of the story is ... guilds who are boring will get the piss taken out of them.

DISCLAIMER - All characters listed above were purely the product of Ash's twisted imagination and any similarity to any persons living or dead is purely coincidental (honest! - Ed).

A few bits of gossip from other factions.

Wolves: May Rill of the wolves, self confessed and incompetent thief, known for almost stealing the Healers Guild sign and for nearly calling Golgomoth a rude name, has been promoted to High Sheriff of Norsca. As a result the crime rates have dropped and its now cheaper to become a licensed thief in Norsca, or so I have been told.

Harts: Many of you may have heard that Sp’ika of the Beastmen died early on this year. Well he reappeared at the Gathering and requested that his pelt be de-loused and de-flead and used as a Death rug, or failing that as a nice table cloth for the tea and cakes to sit on, or so I have been told.

Dear Uncle Yargon,

UM! I really don’t know what to do. I seem to be in a spot of bother… UM! The problem is I was supposed to get married at the Gathering this year but …. UM! I forgot and went sailing !

Forgetful Caledonian

Dear Robyn,

SILLY GIRL! You will just have to remember for the next time I see you !

Dear Uncle Yargon,

Reecently mf half sister (well sort of sister, I’m not really sure eggzactly but no body reely nose wot linke we hav on the tree) has started to hang round with this gy whos new to the Bears snd shees not spending much time playing with me. Is his stickbigger than mine ? Wot shood I do ?

Rejected ov Ca le do nia

Dear Chunky,

Well, when ya like someone as much as your sister likes McNutter, then of course she will be playing around him more. I suggest you find another we young lass to play with. Perhaps not from your own clan!!

At the Gathering of Nations this year I met

My eyes have seen the glory of the Mighty McYokel Clan,

They are loyal to Caledonia, and the Queenies to aman,

In fact they drink to them as regualy and as often as they can,

As they keep drinking on,

BEER! BEER! BEER!

Glory, Glory Clan McYokel

Glory, Glory Clan McYokel

Glory, Glory Clan McYokel

As they keep drinking on.

BEER! BEER! BEER!

My eyes have seen the glory of the Clan McYokel wedge,

It gives skeletons the willies and the liches thoughts of dread,

Cause one dismiss from the Manuel and they’re permanently dead,

As they keep marching on,

STEP! STEP! STEP!

Chorus

I have never seen the glory of the clan McYokel knight,

Cause they think that armour’s poffy, and to smelly and too tight,

Yet a dab or two of wode on them, will suit them all just right,

As they go Marching on,

Clank! Clank! Clank!

Chorus

Now although they have no armour or mighty magic to wave about,

The Clan McYokel battle plan is simple, theres no douht,

Just by lifting up their kilties they can make whole armies rout,

As they go Fighting on,

CHARGE !!!!

Chorus

Dear Morgan or anyone else who had the fortune or misfortune to know Nettle O’Soup.

I must bring sad tiddings (I think!), it has come to my knowledge, following shortly after Gathering 97 Nettle O’Soups clothes were found. It is believed that she drank too much rum and jumped overboard!

However you might want to keep your eyes peeled, as if someone has her clothes you might see a wee nymph!!!

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