As the result of an exclusive interview the McYokel Bull is proud to present never seen before details of who Yargon's new "armourdillo" friend is and why an Albion-born noble is wearing the McYokel tartan this Gathering ...

My name is Agravaine ap Maelgwyn ; eldest son of the late Lord Maelgwyn ap Hywel, last earl of Cudbright. I was born in 1063 in the city of Cudbright, which was then part of northern Albion. I grew up in relative security and was instructed in the importance of honour, the beauty of the arts and the knowledges required to govern my father's lands in his stead. When I was old enough I left home and was squired to my cousin where I learnt the skills of the soldier as well as the steward.

I was only just knighted when the armies of Caledonia came upon us. It was my first taste of real battle, and the blood, filth and terror I encountered were a far cry from the glorious struggles spoken of by poets. My father was dragged from his horse as I watched, and he died long before our healers could reach him. By the end of that day my newly inherited lands were in flames and less than a fifth of my household remained alive. Many of those who did still live chose to flee southwards but my oath of demense was to Cudbright and its people and so I stayed.

This choice proved a good one for the Lord General approved of it and offered me right to keep my lands if I would pledge myself to the laws of the Queens. I accepted and he left in peace, but before long the soldiers of Caledonia came again. This time they wanted taxes with which to raise troops to defend Cudbright from the very men of Albion who had once stood upon her walls. With much of my lands looted or burnt there was not enough money to feed my people never mind levy soldiers and I was brought before the Knight Raven, charged with failure to pay the Queens' taxes.

With little save my honour left to me I pleaded guilty and was sentenced to pay my debt through service to the Crown. Until I am pardoned by the Queens themselves, I can no longer hold land or title within Caledonia. I cannot wear coat of arms save that of the Crown, I cannot stand caprissonned as for war in the presence of Their Majesties, and I cannot speak in matters of politics save with the patronage of a landed clan.

This is how I remained for many years; a convict soldier set to fight alongside thieves, murderers and drunkards. This is how I remained until the UnSeelie came. In July of this year I was stationed to the south of the Great Wood awaiting orders from the Laird of The Highlands who had come from the faction's moot. When the UnSeelie came upon us Lord Yargon was struck down as our army recoiled and the creatures started to drag him from the field. Less than a dozen of us wore enough iron to protect from the faeries' magics but I gathered these few and led them forth. Although we could not hope to win I pulled the Laird from his captors and delivered him to our healers. For the first time this year I shall attend the Gathering of Nations. The patronage now accorded me by Lord Yargon and the Clan McYokel grants me right to both speak my mind and to bear arms and armour. I shall wear their tartan and stand to be counted as one of number until such time as I am redeemed in the eyes of the Queens ... then, when my standing is restored, perhaps I shall have to speak to Denzil about the ownership of my father's castle ...

Name – Heather Mclooney McBeth.

Personal details - Queen Morrigan, married to Great Hamish McLooney, Married against her will to Thorfinn McBeth.

Features – Beautiful, Bad tempered, blue tattoo on forehead.

Occupation – The Morrigan

Favourite Colour – - Black and RED (for blood!!!).

Age - Mind your own business! ("PUNCH" Oww –Ed!)

Would Most like to share a Desert Island with – Lament of the exiles wearing under trousers!

Would Least like to share a Desert Island with – A Dead Thomas Finn!

Least Endearing Quality – None!

Was Thomas Finn your Lover - No Comment!

Preferred weapon – My Own fists ("Punch" Oww – Ed!)

Marriage - Only once but will marry again for Love!

Alchemist: I'd like to purchase a pound of brains please.

Guildmaster: What sort? We've got orc brains at 1 copper a pound, elf brains at 1 silver a pound or Lions brains at 15 gold a pound!

Alchemist: 15 gold? How can you possibly justify charging that much?

Guildmaster : The problem is you need to kill nearly 150 Lions just to find a pound of brains!

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One of PrinceBishop's men was walking across the courtyard one day when one of his comrades rode up on a gleaming black destrier. "Where did you get such a nice horse?" asked the first. The second soldier looked thoughtful and replied "Well yesterday I was walking to the village, minding my own business when the fairest maiden you ever saw rode up to me on this very steed. To my great suprise she then dismounted, threw her fine silk dress to the ground and bid me 'Take what you want!"

The first soldier nodded approvingly at his fellow's tale ... "Good choice. The dress would never have fitted you!"

Dear Uncle Yargon,

Having spent the last year hiding from the world on my magical island, bolstering my ego by constantly deluding myself with ideas of being taken seriously I look forward to yet another Gathering Of Nations where I have no friends. What should I do?

Yours, Short of Avalon

Dear Rhino,

It's very common for lawn ornaments of all varieties to find themselves spending a lot of time alone. Rather than social past times like faction leading, why not try something more typically gnomish ... fishing for example? As for being taken seriously; have you ever considered joining the Harts?

Sir, it may have escaped your notice that persons who perform wedding services can only do so if they have the proper authority; my authority comes from The Morrgan by virtue of the fact that I am an hereditary Clan Chieftain! When you are making announcements about legal ceremonies it is normal to include, with the name of the person presiding at that ceremony, the title which gives them the right to perform that ceremony! Don’t forget in future, lest you wake up one morning and find that your head is missing!

Now that I’ve got that off my chest onto other matters (to the Bar – Ed).

Clan Trelawney are a band of pira..... sorry, honest buccaneers, who are the crew of the Millennium Pigeon, a ship which is currently between its 18th and 19thincarnations (although as few of the crew have numeracy, the actual number isprobably open to debate). The clan takes their name from Squire Trelawney, whofunded the original "Milly Pig" as a character building exercise for his son, (whom the crew left marooned on the first available uninhabited island). Few of the crew are actually Caledonian, although the original members of the crew are Celts from Penzance in the far south west of Albion. The Millennium Pigeon has gained and lost many hands over the years and boasts a rather varied and cosmopolitan crew.

In the spring of 1098, the ship returned from a seven-year adventure on the high seas, finding Albion more by luck than good navigation. Anchored off the south coast and with all aboard recovering from a raucous homecoming party, the

Millennium Pigeon was attacked by the Bears' fleet. Suffering from severe hangovers, the crew were captured and imprisoned in the hold of one of the Bears ships. Not accepting defeat lightly, the Trelawneys ate through the hulls of two of the Bears ships in their attempt to escape. Impressed with the Trelawneys' determination and not wanting to suffer any further damage, the Bears released the Trelawneys and invited them to join the faction's fleet.

The Trelawneys duly accepted and a small contingent of the ship's crew attended the first moot of 98, to get acquainted with the rest of the Bears. The ship is led by Captain Ahab Roberts and he was accompanied by First Mate Jim Tregunna, the ships's physician Dr McCoy McCoy and Able Seaman (also ships cook) Bob Swallows. More of the crew is expected to attend the Gathering.

The Trelawneys now have a Certificate of Marque from the Queens and the Bears' Faction command and are eager to get back to sea in the Millennium Pigeon (whichever the last one was plus one). The crew is also in possession of various maps of faraway exotic lands, each accompanied by wildly exciting tales, but unfortunately no instructions on how to get there!

Spirit messengers can reach the Trelawneys care of erica.seddon@gifford.co.uk

The Girlie Page

Right down to the really important matters which go on just before the gathering.

As reported in last months McYokel Bull, Teran McYokel finally challenged the Brewer of the McTaffs to see whose brew was best. This is to be held at the Gathering. The Queenies have already agreed to judge this challenge and they accepted on the condition that anyone wishing to join in at the Gathering may do so.

The wedding between Chiefy Donald McTottie and Robyn may be on the Rock(s)….. No not Donald’s son…… Robin may be having second thoughts. Problems have been arising between Donald and Robyn for a few days now, most of it being that Robyn is at sea too much. The final blow is that she may have to actual put to sea before the Gathering and therefore miss their wedding day completely! Keep your ears to the ground and read it here first!

In Next months issue a reporter reports on the shocking history of the Clan McThug…. Or is it McBonk…… keep on reading!

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